EMDR in Couples Therapy: Working With the Relationship, Not Just the Individual

Whether or not you identify as a couples therapist, relational systems are often present in session. Partners influence regulation, triggers, and recovery. Relational dynamics show up in perinatal work, trauma therapy, and general mental health care. Clients rarely arrive as isolated individuals - they arrive as part of systems.

In practice, this means many clinicians are already working within couple systems, often without a clear framework for how trauma shows up relationally.

Yes, You Can Do EMDR with Couples

For EMDR clinician and instructor Patrick Monette, LMHC, CASAC, the question is not whether EMDR can be used with couples, but how.

One of the biggest questions I always get asked is, can I do EMDR with couples? And I always say yes. Following up with a question of what phase are you responding to or asking about specifically? Because a lot of times people are just looking at reprocessing. - Patrick Monette

Patrick invites clinicians to widen the lens of how they think about EMDR in couples therapy. EMDR is an eight-phase framework, not a single technique. When applied thoughtfully, it supports assessment, intake, and treatment planning long before reprocessing is considered.

This approach does not require abandoning existing couples modalities. Instead, EMDR functions as a trauma-informed lens that helps clinicians understand why partners react the way they do, and what conditions are needed for change.

Phase Two Is Not a Formality - It’s the Foundation

In his couples work, Patrick consistently returns to EMDR-based resourcing skills such as calm safe place, container, light stream, and clench and release. These skills are introduced gradually, revisited often, and practiced over time with intention.

He emphasizes slowing down:

• Making sure clients understand the skill

• Noticing how each partner responds

• Allowing space for learning a new language of regulation

He names this directly:

When I’m teaching resources, it’s not one and done. It’s an ongoing process. And I follow up, I check in, I make sure that they understood me. - Patrick Monette

This pacing matters. Couples are not only learning how to regulate themselves; they are learning how to regulate in the presence of each other.

Regulation Changes What Becomes Possible

When couples begin sessions with brief resourcing, Patrick often notices a shift. Couples who arrive overwhelmed - carrying stress from work, parenting, loss, or conflict - begin to settle more quickly. They see each other differently. They move out of adversarial roles and back into connection.

They actually see each other. They see themselves as partners, as lovers, as friends. They don’t see all the adversarial pieces and roles that people can play in our lives. They’re not the employee, they’re not the mom or dad, they’re not the bill payer. They’re vulnerable, loving people. - Patrick Monette

This is not about avoiding difficult conversations. It is about creating the conditions where those conversations can happen without overwhelming the nervous system.

Deciding If Reprocessing Belongs in Couples Therapy

Patrick is clear: EMDR with couples does not automatically mean reprocessing together.

Before moving in that direction, he considers several factors:

• Are the partners in individual therapy?

• Is EMDR happening individually?

• Is the primary focus the relationship?

• Is there enough emotional safety and connection?

Sometimes EMDR remains part of the conceptual framework rather than an active reprocessing intervention. Sometimes it becomes a tool for understanding reactions, beliefs, and triggers within the relationship.

The question is not whether EMDR can be used with couples, but when, how, and to what end.

What Couples Are Asking for Between Sessions

Across Patrick’s work, one request comes up again and again: What do we do when you’re not here?

Couples want tools they can use in moments of activation - during conflict, grief, panic, or overwhelm. This is especially pronounced in the perinatal period, when stressors are frequent and emotionally charged. EMDR-informed resourcing offers practical ways to interrupt negative cycles and reconnect more quickly outside of therapy, extending care into daily life between sessions.

A Phase-Based Way Forward

Patrick’s work does not begin with the question of whether clinicians should do EMDR with couples. It begins with helping clinicians feel oriented.

When EMDR is understood as a phased, trauma-informed framework, clinicians can integrate its principles into couples work without rushing, overreaching, or abandoning what they already do well. For many, the challenge is not lack of interest - it is lack of structure.

When couples work is reduced to a footnote, clinicians are left to improvise. A phase-based lens offers something steadier: direction, containment, and confidence in how to proceed.

Working with couples through an EMDR-informed lens asks clinicians to slow down, widen their view, and attend carefully to safety and pacing. It invites us to consider not just what techniques we use, but when and why we use them. For clinicians navigating the complexity of relational trauma - especially in the perinatal period - a phase-based orientation offers a way to stay grounded, intentional, and responsive to the systems already present in the room.

Recipe for Love: Integrating EMDR into Couples Therapy

🗓️ February 19, 2026

Gain confidence in applying EMDR with couples, using trauma-focused tools to support healthy relational dynamics.

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